The question I receive most often from men is, “How do I pray for my wife without looking foolish?” It is a legitimate question as many men feel they aren’t “spiritual” enough to pray for their wife/girlfriend. It takes a true humble man to pray for someone he perceives is more spiritual than himself.
Eventually the humble man may learn through the process of prayer that his spirituality plays out in a more masculine way than hers. It will be different from her feminine approach to prayer, not better or worse. Many books suggest that men tend to avoid church and prayer because it has become too feminine and no longer is relevant to their masculine needs. Regardless of the disposition of a church, men are still responsible to pray for those in his care.
Timing of prayers is everything for many women. There are several verses (Romans 1:9, 1 Thessalonians 5:17, and 2 Timothy 1:3) that reflect an attitude of men praying without ceasing. This over arching attitude is one I recommend, but men also have to understand some specific times to pray.
I found that the best time to pray is when she expects it. I learned years ago throughout my marriage that my wife needed prayerful support during any of life’s milestones or key events. These milestones were typically played out in a practical or emotional way. While they are all based on her perceptions and needs, they can also be directly related to the children she birthed. The mother-child relationship is worthy of taking notice for timing hints to pray.
Years ago, it was important for my wife to hear me praying for the kids at bedtime, on their first day of school each year and before any event that made them nervous or excited. I also found myself praying for their hurting friends, crazy social life and other unique events they shared when letting me into their teenage world. Now that my kids are grown adults, I find myself praying for them without any request or event triggering the activity.
Single men praying for, and with, girlfriends are just as important. Since our spiritual lives focus first on God and His will, it would be beneficial for prayer to be a part of the relationship. If I’m not comfortable praying with a girlfriend or I’m afraid of being rejected by her because of prayer, it should be obvious that she isn’t the one for me.
What I practice with a girlfriend in the early days of our relationship will most likely continue throughout its life. This makes prayer one of the determining factors in how the relationship may or may not develop. I don’t want to find myself in a relationship where praying is not an intrinsic part of who we are together.
In both my married and single life, certain patterns evolved when we prayed together. My prayers tended to reflect what I heard her share that happened throughout the day, both feelings and circumstances. Praying about those things that were important to her helped further the relationship as I listened attentively and entered into her world. I’m not suggesting that my prayer was a paraphrase of everything I heard, but that I was sensitive to those key issues at the forefront of her heart. They were important to her and me.
I feel for the man who faces a wife that doesn’t open and share her heart as readily. Granted a woman’s open heart says more about a man’s approach than her willingness to share, but I know some women who assume their husbands just don’t care enough for her to take the risk of being vulnerable before him – Possibly the same vulnerability the man might feel when praying for his wife/girlfriend.
The women that allow their man to pray for them seem to desire two different kinds of prayer. They appreciate the soft sensitive prayer that touches on his and her weaknesses and the bold prayers that reveal his warrior passion for God’s work coming from the depths of his soul. I’ve been told that both thrill a woman’s soul more than a man can comprehend. I accept that as being true.
The most difficult time for many husbands to pray is when their wife shares a problem and isn’t in the mood to have him “fix” her. I learned during my marriage that those situations were the times I prayed for God to fill her with strength and the fruits of the Spirit, and for her to stand firm in her godly character. Many times I prayed that she would be able to discern the differences between her perspective, her enemy’s and God’s perspective.
I learned it wasn’t a time to pray for the answer to her problem, no matter how simple or obvious the solution seemed to be. I wanted to respect her thinking process, knowing that she would come to the best decision that she needed to make. It wasn’t always what I perceived to be the best decision, but it was always the one she needed to make based on who she was.
To make sure my prayers were a blessing and not filled with a hidden agenda, I found my prayers fitting into the following categories: praying for her relationships, strength, safety, godly character, godly perspective and her abilities or performance. I left her choices alone, as they were hers to make and not mine to meddle in.
The key to praying a sincere prayer that touches God’s ears and the soul of a wife/girlfriend, is to welcome the vulnerable feeling that accompanies the activity and speak honest words from the heart after listening carefully to whatever she shares. Over time I learned to trust that woman are able to tell if the prayerful words are meaningful and it doesn’t matter to them how rough or choppy the words are expressed.
I’m still trying to get through prayers without stumbling over my words and thoughts, but I can tell you the prayers I’ve uttered have been a blessing and more importantly, heard by God. As a result, I’m convinced that tonight is a good night for praying.
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