Monday, August 31, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
Mother or Lover
Two men approached me about their wives’ behavior. The one man was convinced he was married to a mother, while the other enjoyed the gratification of interacting with his lover. The first man wanted to know how he could get his wife to become a lover and the second man wanted to know what he could do to keep his wife as a lover, especially since many said it wouldn’t last. While I’m not a counselor or psychiatrist, here is what I learned from 23 years of marriage.
Woman who act like a mother repel the men in their life, causing them to look elsewhere for satisfaction, while lovers take extra care in finding ways to draw their man in. If you find your wife acting like a mother, it may come across in several ways including talking down to you, picking up after you, making sure you are dressed right for an event, etc. If she is acting like a lover she may be extolling who you are in Christ, cherishing your character with words of affirmation to you or her friends, or even writing you special notes or performing little acts of service to please you.
If your wife is acting like a lover it’s due to the perspective she holds of you in her heart and mind. There is little you can do instantly in hopes of continuing the process, but there is a lot you can do over the balance of time. All of which requires a certain level of focus on her. We men know how to focus on tasks, but some struggle to focus on spending significant couch time or taking long walks.
Doing special little things around the house can touch a wife’s heart. Or, affirming her in who she is, especially when we don’t agree with her decision. Affirmation does not mean agreement and can do wonders for validating her importance in your life. One of the most touching things is writing a personal note that reflects the depths of your heart. The wording doesn’t have to be exact or even beautiful, as long as what you write comes directly from your heart and not some greeting card you plagiarized. She’ll know the difference.
If your wife is acting like a mother, I found it was either because I was acting like a child or she was afraid to be a vulnerable lover. In either case I had to step up and take responsibility to guide the change within me in order to watch a change develop over time in her. Please notice that I never said anything about me changing her – It won’t work.
I was the one that needed to change. There were things I needed to take responsibility for, which sub sequentially put me back in charge. Most women feel it is important for certain things to get done and if the man isn’t going to do it, she will. Unfortunately, she will also shift into the mother role to take care of those who are not responsible within the household. It appears to be a natural instinct bread deep within every woman.
I found that the only way to guarantee that I was living with a lover instead of a mother was by focusing my heart on her, affirming who she was and taking responsibility for the things around the house we jointly decided I was to manage. The result was simple: I found my wife being thankful for who I was instead of constantly praying that I would become something better.
Woman who act like a mother repel the men in their life, causing them to look elsewhere for satisfaction, while lovers take extra care in finding ways to draw their man in. If you find your wife acting like a mother, it may come across in several ways including talking down to you, picking up after you, making sure you are dressed right for an event, etc. If she is acting like a lover she may be extolling who you are in Christ, cherishing your character with words of affirmation to you or her friends, or even writing you special notes or performing little acts of service to please you.
If your wife is acting like a lover it’s due to the perspective she holds of you in her heart and mind. There is little you can do instantly in hopes of continuing the process, but there is a lot you can do over the balance of time. All of which requires a certain level of focus on her. We men know how to focus on tasks, but some struggle to focus on spending significant couch time or taking long walks.
Doing special little things around the house can touch a wife’s heart. Or, affirming her in who she is, especially when we don’t agree with her decision. Affirmation does not mean agreement and can do wonders for validating her importance in your life. One of the most touching things is writing a personal note that reflects the depths of your heart. The wording doesn’t have to be exact or even beautiful, as long as what you write comes directly from your heart and not some greeting card you plagiarized. She’ll know the difference.
If your wife is acting like a mother, I found it was either because I was acting like a child or she was afraid to be a vulnerable lover. In either case I had to step up and take responsibility to guide the change within me in order to watch a change develop over time in her. Please notice that I never said anything about me changing her – It won’t work.
I was the one that needed to change. There were things I needed to take responsibility for, which sub sequentially put me back in charge. Most women feel it is important for certain things to get done and if the man isn’t going to do it, she will. Unfortunately, she will also shift into the mother role to take care of those who are not responsible within the household. It appears to be a natural instinct bread deep within every woman.
I found that the only way to guarantee that I was living with a lover instead of a mother was by focusing my heart on her, affirming who she was and taking responsibility for the things around the house we jointly decided I was to manage. The result was simple: I found my wife being thankful for who I was instead of constantly praying that I would become something better.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Warm Up Conversations
On most Wednesday nights I purchase dinner in our church cafeteria and join whatever table happens to have jovial people sitting around chewing the fat (Sorry, I couldn’t resist the pun). Last night’s thunderstorm thinned out the usual crowd and I found a room with men scattered about sitting at individual tables alone. It was one of those moments when a typical woman might feel bad for the men not having any friends.
However, having friends was not the issue, as I knew all of them. The key thought that popped into my mind was wondering if they were taking advantage of personal down time to unwind from a stressful day or if they just didn’t approach the other men and ask if they could join them.
I decided to ask the man sitting solo at the largest table if I could join him and he was welcoming. After taking a seat, I noticed another man sitting at the next table over and invited him to join us. Within a few seconds other men joined until the table was filled. Not counting the guys that stopped by and stood to chat with us throughout the meal, we had 6 guys seated around the table. The comradery was great and I learned a lot from the others.
Two men chatted about their love for food and a mouth-watering treat made from sliced sweet potatoes preheated in the microwave and seared on the grill with some brown sugar and butter. Another man shared about his success overcoming his past trials through a twelve-step program based on Christ’s beatitudes. Another was excited about having two tickets to the women’s golf event in Sugar Grove; he looked forward to watching the best USA female golfers play against the best European golfers in the Solheim Cup – patriotism at its best, drawing an international crowd of some 100,000 fans to the private course.
The conversations were great and I couldn’t help but notice that the man who kicked it all off did so with a short series of questions so he could quickly learn about the man he didn’t know. He asked about the man’s name, where he lived, his work, any travel experiences he had, his hobbies and he elaborated on the one key thing the other man was interested in talking about – his sweet potato recipe.
The series of questions worked so well that I’ll share the way I chose to remember it for the next cold conversation I find myself needing to warm up. For this to work, you’ll have to picture it in your mind’s eye. It goes something like this…
Picture a giant nameplate in front of your home or apartment. It is like the kind of nameplate you would see on an executive’s desk in an office. Your name is in white letters with a wood grain backing, set on a brass stand. It is prominently positioned directly in front of where you live.
Make sure you see the place where you live clearly set behind this giant nameplate. Picture it during your favorite time of the year. Notice the details that convince you it is indeed your place of residence.
Now glance upward to the area where the chimney is located and picture a surgeon’s glove stretched over the top of the chimney. The glove appears to be larger than normal, so you can clearly see that it is a stretchable latex glove.
Picture the glove starting to expand and contract. It is as if heat or smoke is coming out of the chimney and inflating it to a super size. It gets so big that it reaches out and grabs the tail of a small biplane that is flying overhead.
The glove grabs and holds tight causing the biplane engine to cough and sputter. It moves forward and seems to snap back because of the giant glove. The plane continues to fight for release, but finds its engine not big enough to break free.
The biplane’s propellers start to sputter and slow down. It suddenly speeds up again, only to stop abruptly and then restart. Each time the propellers hesitate you can see that they are made out of two tennis rackets. They spin again and then slow so you can see the netting of the rackets in clear detail.
In one of the racket’s netting is a pink light bulb that blinks. It seems to flicker and fade as the rackets spin and then disengage. The light bulb is a unique one, as it is 13½ watts. Suddenly the light gets bright enough that you think it will explode and you realize that you’ve memorized the six topics.
The nameplate reminds you how important the person’s name is. The home represents where he lives. The surgeon’s glove is a reminder to ask about his work. The plane grabbed by the glove helps you explore his work travel or any other kind of travel experiences he has had. The tennis racket propellers symbolize the various hobbies the person might have explored. And, the pink light bulb reminds you to chat about any key idea he may have brought up during your conversation.
By focusing on these six topics that most people are willing to discuss, you will find a depth of information that will make you proud to know them. And who knows, you may find yourself on a path to a new friendship.
During your exploration, please keep in mind that most people can tell if you are sincere and truly listening. Understanding what a person is trying to share takes practice, but its benefits are great, especially if you love the new grilled sweet potato recipe you gain.
However, having friends was not the issue, as I knew all of them. The key thought that popped into my mind was wondering if they were taking advantage of personal down time to unwind from a stressful day or if they just didn’t approach the other men and ask if they could join them.
I decided to ask the man sitting solo at the largest table if I could join him and he was welcoming. After taking a seat, I noticed another man sitting at the next table over and invited him to join us. Within a few seconds other men joined until the table was filled. Not counting the guys that stopped by and stood to chat with us throughout the meal, we had 6 guys seated around the table. The comradery was great and I learned a lot from the others.
Two men chatted about their love for food and a mouth-watering treat made from sliced sweet potatoes preheated in the microwave and seared on the grill with some brown sugar and butter. Another man shared about his success overcoming his past trials through a twelve-step program based on Christ’s beatitudes. Another was excited about having two tickets to the women’s golf event in Sugar Grove; he looked forward to watching the best USA female golfers play against the best European golfers in the Solheim Cup – patriotism at its best, drawing an international crowd of some 100,000 fans to the private course.
The conversations were great and I couldn’t help but notice that the man who kicked it all off did so with a short series of questions so he could quickly learn about the man he didn’t know. He asked about the man’s name, where he lived, his work, any travel experiences he had, his hobbies and he elaborated on the one key thing the other man was interested in talking about – his sweet potato recipe.
The series of questions worked so well that I’ll share the way I chose to remember it for the next cold conversation I find myself needing to warm up. For this to work, you’ll have to picture it in your mind’s eye. It goes something like this…
Picture a giant nameplate in front of your home or apartment. It is like the kind of nameplate you would see on an executive’s desk in an office. Your name is in white letters with a wood grain backing, set on a brass stand. It is prominently positioned directly in front of where you live.
Make sure you see the place where you live clearly set behind this giant nameplate. Picture it during your favorite time of the year. Notice the details that convince you it is indeed your place of residence.
Now glance upward to the area where the chimney is located and picture a surgeon’s glove stretched over the top of the chimney. The glove appears to be larger than normal, so you can clearly see that it is a stretchable latex glove.
Picture the glove starting to expand and contract. It is as if heat or smoke is coming out of the chimney and inflating it to a super size. It gets so big that it reaches out and grabs the tail of a small biplane that is flying overhead.
The glove grabs and holds tight causing the biplane engine to cough and sputter. It moves forward and seems to snap back because of the giant glove. The plane continues to fight for release, but finds its engine not big enough to break free.
The biplane’s propellers start to sputter and slow down. It suddenly speeds up again, only to stop abruptly and then restart. Each time the propellers hesitate you can see that they are made out of two tennis rackets. They spin again and then slow so you can see the netting of the rackets in clear detail.
In one of the racket’s netting is a pink light bulb that blinks. It seems to flicker and fade as the rackets spin and then disengage. The light bulb is a unique one, as it is 13½ watts. Suddenly the light gets bright enough that you think it will explode and you realize that you’ve memorized the six topics.
The nameplate reminds you how important the person’s name is. The home represents where he lives. The surgeon’s glove is a reminder to ask about his work. The plane grabbed by the glove helps you explore his work travel or any other kind of travel experiences he has had. The tennis racket propellers symbolize the various hobbies the person might have explored. And, the pink light bulb reminds you to chat about any key idea he may have brought up during your conversation.
By focusing on these six topics that most people are willing to discuss, you will find a depth of information that will make you proud to know them. And who knows, you may find yourself on a path to a new friendship.
During your exploration, please keep in mind that most people can tell if you are sincere and truly listening. Understanding what a person is trying to share takes practice, but its benefits are great, especially if you love the new grilled sweet potato recipe you gain.
Friday, August 14, 2009
Marriage Conference: Marriage-Morning and Evening
Marriage Conference
Marriage-Morning and Evening
January 15-18, 2010
Includes Keynote Speaker CJ Powers sharing How the Media Messes with Marriage.
Click Here for more information.
Marriage-Morning and Evening
January 15-18, 2010
Includes Keynote Speaker CJ Powers sharing How the Media Messes with Marriage.
Click Here for more information.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Curiosity Battles Integrity in the Mind
I’ve often wondered how the other side of life works; contemplating what life would be like for me as a bad boy rather than a goodie-two-shoes. I’ve found myself thinking about being a sinner who sought redemption without a clue where to find it, versus being a sinner covered by unfettered grace.
This mystique of the mind wandering to places it shouldn’t go has placed me into positions where I had a choice between playing out a curiosity and living an integrated life. It didn’t take much effort to realize that the battle between curiosity and integrity takes place on the battlefield within my mind. It is therefore no surprise that Paul encourages us to renew our minds.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
It is all about patterns. What pattern will I live by in my life?
Integrity suggests a pattern with a firm adherence to a code of moral values, while curiosity walks away from the healthy pattern to explore the enticing unknown. The only thing keeping me in check from going astray is the choice residing within my mind.
I’m not too keen on the fact that the choice is solely mine and I alone determine if I sin or not, especially when I’m with a close friend who allows me to make my own decisions. I would prefer to put the blame on my friend in hopes of reducing the intense guilt or shame I feel from the actions marked by my bad choice.
Recently I had an opportunity to sin by exploring something I was tremendously curious about. I knew it was wrong because I could feel it in my soul and I found myself negotiating out loud about the activity in front of my friend. The good news is that my friend didn’t take away my responsibility by trying to convince me what the right decision looked liked. It was all up to me.
It would have been much easier had my friend tried to take on my responsibility in the matter, that way I could have blamed someone else regardless of my choice. I mean think about it, if I chose to sin and felt guilt, I could have blamed my friend for not doing a good enough job of keeping me from making a foolish mistake. And, if I made the right decision and had difficulty living with my uneasy feelings from unmet curiosity, I could have blamed my friend for making me feel bad since my flesh or carnal self would not have been satisfied.
Thankfully my friend left the choice in my mind where the decision needed to be made. Unfortunately, I chose to explore the point of curiosity and found myself burdened with guilt and shame. The positive side to the decision was my friend coming along side of me and reminding me that while my decision was not a good one, I was still a valuable person. My friend was wise to allow me to make my own decision and to stand by me regardless of the outcome, resulting in a deeper friendship.
Had the shoe been on the other foot, I probably would have subtly reminded my friend who he or she was in Christ in order to spark certain thoughts within the battlefield of the mind. In any case, the decision would still belong to my friend and I would stand by to celebrate a right choice or encourage him or her through the ramifications of a bad choice.
As for me, I realize how important it is for my soul to live a life of integrity, staying true to who I am. I have also found that filling my mind with God’s word helps me in the moment of decision when battles ensue within my mind. I will therefore heed Peter’s encouragement:
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:13
And of course, I can’t forget our theme verse, which sets my mind on the right path of thinking:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8
This mystique of the mind wandering to places it shouldn’t go has placed me into positions where I had a choice between playing out a curiosity and living an integrated life. It didn’t take much effort to realize that the battle between curiosity and integrity takes place on the battlefield within my mind. It is therefore no surprise that Paul encourages us to renew our minds.
Do not conform any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind. Then you will be able to test and approve what God's will is—his good, pleasing and perfect will. Romans 12:2
It is all about patterns. What pattern will I live by in my life?
Integrity suggests a pattern with a firm adherence to a code of moral values, while curiosity walks away from the healthy pattern to explore the enticing unknown. The only thing keeping me in check from going astray is the choice residing within my mind.
I’m not too keen on the fact that the choice is solely mine and I alone determine if I sin or not, especially when I’m with a close friend who allows me to make my own decisions. I would prefer to put the blame on my friend in hopes of reducing the intense guilt or shame I feel from the actions marked by my bad choice.
Recently I had an opportunity to sin by exploring something I was tremendously curious about. I knew it was wrong because I could feel it in my soul and I found myself negotiating out loud about the activity in front of my friend. The good news is that my friend didn’t take away my responsibility by trying to convince me what the right decision looked liked. It was all up to me.
It would have been much easier had my friend tried to take on my responsibility in the matter, that way I could have blamed someone else regardless of my choice. I mean think about it, if I chose to sin and felt guilt, I could have blamed my friend for not doing a good enough job of keeping me from making a foolish mistake. And, if I made the right decision and had difficulty living with my uneasy feelings from unmet curiosity, I could have blamed my friend for making me feel bad since my flesh or carnal self would not have been satisfied.
Thankfully my friend left the choice in my mind where the decision needed to be made. Unfortunately, I chose to explore the point of curiosity and found myself burdened with guilt and shame. The positive side to the decision was my friend coming along side of me and reminding me that while my decision was not a good one, I was still a valuable person. My friend was wise to allow me to make my own decision and to stand by me regardless of the outcome, resulting in a deeper friendship.
Had the shoe been on the other foot, I probably would have subtly reminded my friend who he or she was in Christ in order to spark certain thoughts within the battlefield of the mind. In any case, the decision would still belong to my friend and I would stand by to celebrate a right choice or encourage him or her through the ramifications of a bad choice.
As for me, I realize how important it is for my soul to live a life of integrity, staying true to who I am. I have also found that filling my mind with God’s word helps me in the moment of decision when battles ensue within my mind. I will therefore heed Peter’s encouragement:
Therefore, prepare your minds for action; be self-controlled; set your hope fully on the grace to be given you when Jesus Christ is revealed. 1 Peter 1:13
And of course, I can’t forget our theme verse, which sets my mind on the right path of thinking:
Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things. Philippians 4:8
Monday, August 10, 2009
Destined to Sin?
By Kevin M. Kraft
Several years ago, a Christian friend began to speak slanderous things about me. When I confronted him with every intention of salvaging our friendship, he dished out personal insults. He criticized me for refusing to “confess personal sins” during his weekly men’s Bible study and claimed I was arrogant.
A short time later, I walked into the middle of a conversation between two women at work discussing extramarital affairs. “Kevin,” one asked, “how many times have you gone out on your wife?” I was shocked by the presumptuous question of these believers. After recovering I said, “Never!” “Yeah, right,” the woman laughed, “I don’t believe that. Come on, everyone does it!” After repeating myself with a bit more ire, they continued their dialog. I’m certain they didn’t believe me.
Recently I heard a preacher share from the pulpit something like, “We’re all sinners. We were born into sin and we’ll continue to sin. But Jesus keeps forgiving us, amen?” I got chills... of horror, that is! Didn’t this minister just undermine the gospel message? And what of my friend and the two women, did they all think we are permanently destined to sin?
I find many who profess faith in Jesus Christ who do not believe the Bible states that His work freed us from sin. Not only the consequences of sin, but our sin nature, which causes us to sin.
No one is perfect, especially me. I make mistakes, errors in judgment, like everyone else. But does that presuppose I am guaranteed to sin after being saved? That sin will forever be my lot in life, an impedance to ever fully experiencing Christ? God forbid!
Christ, “who knew no sin,” is my example to live by. The same Spirit, which raised Christ from the dead, is alive in me, and among other things, enables me to live the life God demands of His children. My carnal nature, or the “old man” in me is “dead,” and I am a “new creation.” Sin is against my new nature and no longer has dominion over me. I am now “free in Christ” to choose not to sin.
I now love what God loves and hate what God hates, and want nothing to hinder that intimacy with Him, which is what we were all created for in the first place.
For nearly a decade now, I’ve lived in a way that seeks to omit sin. No matter how hard another woman comes on to me, my wife needn’t worry that I might share a bed with another. And while I was once a sinner, I have been utterly transformed to have the mind of Christ. I’m not arrogant, as my confidence is in Jesus Christ.
The result is a rich life, joyful and powerful in the Lord, with a peace surpassing mere human understanding.
Several years ago, a Christian friend began to speak slanderous things about me. When I confronted him with every intention of salvaging our friendship, he dished out personal insults. He criticized me for refusing to “confess personal sins” during his weekly men’s Bible study and claimed I was arrogant.
A short time later, I walked into the middle of a conversation between two women at work discussing extramarital affairs. “Kevin,” one asked, “how many times have you gone out on your wife?” I was shocked by the presumptuous question of these believers. After recovering I said, “Never!” “Yeah, right,” the woman laughed, “I don’t believe that. Come on, everyone does it!” After repeating myself with a bit more ire, they continued their dialog. I’m certain they didn’t believe me.
Recently I heard a preacher share from the pulpit something like, “We’re all sinners. We were born into sin and we’ll continue to sin. But Jesus keeps forgiving us, amen?” I got chills... of horror, that is! Didn’t this minister just undermine the gospel message? And what of my friend and the two women, did they all think we are permanently destined to sin?
I find many who profess faith in Jesus Christ who do not believe the Bible states that His work freed us from sin. Not only the consequences of sin, but our sin nature, which causes us to sin.
No one is perfect, especially me. I make mistakes, errors in judgment, like everyone else. But does that presuppose I am guaranteed to sin after being saved? That sin will forever be my lot in life, an impedance to ever fully experiencing Christ? God forbid!
Christ, “who knew no sin,” is my example to live by. The same Spirit, which raised Christ from the dead, is alive in me, and among other things, enables me to live the life God demands of His children. My carnal nature, or the “old man” in me is “dead,” and I am a “new creation.” Sin is against my new nature and no longer has dominion over me. I am now “free in Christ” to choose not to sin.
I now love what God loves and hate what God hates, and want nothing to hinder that intimacy with Him, which is what we were all created for in the first place.
For nearly a decade now, I’ve lived in a way that seeks to omit sin. No matter how hard another woman comes on to me, my wife needn’t worry that I might share a bed with another. And while I was once a sinner, I have been utterly transformed to have the mind of Christ. I’m not arrogant, as my confidence is in Jesus Christ.
The result is a rich life, joyful and powerful in the Lord, with a peace surpassing mere human understanding.
Friday, August 7, 2009
Praying for Your Wife/Girlfriend
The question I receive most often from men is, “How do I pray for my wife without looking foolish?” It is a legitimate question as many men feel they aren’t “spiritual” enough to pray for their wife/girlfriend. It takes a true humble man to pray for someone he perceives is more spiritual than himself.
Eventually the humble man may learn through the process of prayer that his spirituality plays out in a more masculine way than hers. It will be different from her feminine approach to prayer, not better or worse. Many books suggest that men tend to avoid church and prayer because it has become too feminine and no longer is relevant to their masculine needs. Regardless of the disposition of a church, men are still responsible to pray for those in his care.
Timing of prayers is everything for many women. There are several verses (Romans 1:9, 1 Thessalonians 5:17, and 2 Timothy 1:3) that reflect an attitude of men praying without ceasing. This over arching attitude is one I recommend, but men also have to understand some specific times to pray.
I found that the best time to pray is when she expects it. I learned years ago throughout my marriage that my wife needed prayerful support during any of life’s milestones or key events. These milestones were typically played out in a practical or emotional way. While they are all based on her perceptions and needs, they can also be directly related to the children she birthed. The mother-child relationship is worthy of taking notice for timing hints to pray.
Years ago, it was important for my wife to hear me praying for the kids at bedtime, on their first day of school each year and before any event that made them nervous or excited. I also found myself praying for their hurting friends, crazy social life and other unique events they shared when letting me into their teenage world. Now that my kids are grown adults, I find myself praying for them without any request or event triggering the activity.
Single men praying for, and with, girlfriends are just as important. Since our spiritual lives focus first on God and His will, it would be beneficial for prayer to be a part of the relationship. If I’m not comfortable praying with a girlfriend or I’m afraid of being rejected by her because of prayer, it should be obvious that she isn’t the one for me.
What I practice with a girlfriend in the early days of our relationship will most likely continue throughout its life. This makes prayer one of the determining factors in how the relationship may or may not develop. I don’t want to find myself in a relationship where praying is not an intrinsic part of who we are together.
In both my married and single life, certain patterns evolved when we prayed together. My prayers tended to reflect what I heard her share that happened throughout the day, both feelings and circumstances. Praying about those things that were important to her helped further the relationship as I listened attentively and entered into her world. I’m not suggesting that my prayer was a paraphrase of everything I heard, but that I was sensitive to those key issues at the forefront of her heart. They were important to her and me.
I feel for the man who faces a wife that doesn’t open and share her heart as readily. Granted a woman’s open heart says more about a man’s approach than her willingness to share, but I know some women who assume their husbands just don’t care enough for her to take the risk of being vulnerable before him – Possibly the same vulnerability the man might feel when praying for his wife/girlfriend.
The women that allow their man to pray for them seem to desire two different kinds of prayer. They appreciate the soft sensitive prayer that touches on his and her weaknesses and the bold prayers that reveal his warrior passion for God’s work coming from the depths of his soul. I’ve been told that both thrill a woman’s soul more than a man can comprehend. I accept that as being true.
The most difficult time for many husbands to pray is when their wife shares a problem and isn’t in the mood to have him “fix” her. I learned during my marriage that those situations were the times I prayed for God to fill her with strength and the fruits of the Spirit, and for her to stand firm in her godly character. Many times I prayed that she would be able to discern the differences between her perspective, her enemy’s and God’s perspective.
I learned it wasn’t a time to pray for the answer to her problem, no matter how simple or obvious the solution seemed to be. I wanted to respect her thinking process, knowing that she would come to the best decision that she needed to make. It wasn’t always what I perceived to be the best decision, but it was always the one she needed to make based on who she was.
To make sure my prayers were a blessing and not filled with a hidden agenda, I found my prayers fitting into the following categories: praying for her relationships, strength, safety, godly character, godly perspective and her abilities or performance. I left her choices alone, as they were hers to make and not mine to meddle in.
The key to praying a sincere prayer that touches God’s ears and the soul of a wife/girlfriend, is to welcome the vulnerable feeling that accompanies the activity and speak honest words from the heart after listening carefully to whatever she shares. Over time I learned to trust that woman are able to tell if the prayerful words are meaningful and it doesn’t matter to them how rough or choppy the words are expressed.
I’m still trying to get through prayers without stumbling over my words and thoughts, but I can tell you the prayers I’ve uttered have been a blessing and more importantly, heard by God. As a result, I’m convinced that tonight is a good night for praying.
Eventually the humble man may learn through the process of prayer that his spirituality plays out in a more masculine way than hers. It will be different from her feminine approach to prayer, not better or worse. Many books suggest that men tend to avoid church and prayer because it has become too feminine and no longer is relevant to their masculine needs. Regardless of the disposition of a church, men are still responsible to pray for those in his care.
Timing of prayers is everything for many women. There are several verses (Romans 1:9, 1 Thessalonians 5:17, and 2 Timothy 1:3) that reflect an attitude of men praying without ceasing. This over arching attitude is one I recommend, but men also have to understand some specific times to pray.
I found that the best time to pray is when she expects it. I learned years ago throughout my marriage that my wife needed prayerful support during any of life’s milestones or key events. These milestones were typically played out in a practical or emotional way. While they are all based on her perceptions and needs, they can also be directly related to the children she birthed. The mother-child relationship is worthy of taking notice for timing hints to pray.
Years ago, it was important for my wife to hear me praying for the kids at bedtime, on their first day of school each year and before any event that made them nervous or excited. I also found myself praying for their hurting friends, crazy social life and other unique events they shared when letting me into their teenage world. Now that my kids are grown adults, I find myself praying for them without any request or event triggering the activity.
Single men praying for, and with, girlfriends are just as important. Since our spiritual lives focus first on God and His will, it would be beneficial for prayer to be a part of the relationship. If I’m not comfortable praying with a girlfriend or I’m afraid of being rejected by her because of prayer, it should be obvious that she isn’t the one for me.
What I practice with a girlfriend in the early days of our relationship will most likely continue throughout its life. This makes prayer one of the determining factors in how the relationship may or may not develop. I don’t want to find myself in a relationship where praying is not an intrinsic part of who we are together.
In both my married and single life, certain patterns evolved when we prayed together. My prayers tended to reflect what I heard her share that happened throughout the day, both feelings and circumstances. Praying about those things that were important to her helped further the relationship as I listened attentively and entered into her world. I’m not suggesting that my prayer was a paraphrase of everything I heard, but that I was sensitive to those key issues at the forefront of her heart. They were important to her and me.
I feel for the man who faces a wife that doesn’t open and share her heart as readily. Granted a woman’s open heart says more about a man’s approach than her willingness to share, but I know some women who assume their husbands just don’t care enough for her to take the risk of being vulnerable before him – Possibly the same vulnerability the man might feel when praying for his wife/girlfriend.
The women that allow their man to pray for them seem to desire two different kinds of prayer. They appreciate the soft sensitive prayer that touches on his and her weaknesses and the bold prayers that reveal his warrior passion for God’s work coming from the depths of his soul. I’ve been told that both thrill a woman’s soul more than a man can comprehend. I accept that as being true.
The most difficult time for many husbands to pray is when their wife shares a problem and isn’t in the mood to have him “fix” her. I learned during my marriage that those situations were the times I prayed for God to fill her with strength and the fruits of the Spirit, and for her to stand firm in her godly character. Many times I prayed that she would be able to discern the differences between her perspective, her enemy’s and God’s perspective.
I learned it wasn’t a time to pray for the answer to her problem, no matter how simple or obvious the solution seemed to be. I wanted to respect her thinking process, knowing that she would come to the best decision that she needed to make. It wasn’t always what I perceived to be the best decision, but it was always the one she needed to make based on who she was.
To make sure my prayers were a blessing and not filled with a hidden agenda, I found my prayers fitting into the following categories: praying for her relationships, strength, safety, godly character, godly perspective and her abilities or performance. I left her choices alone, as they were hers to make and not mine to meddle in.
The key to praying a sincere prayer that touches God’s ears and the soul of a wife/girlfriend, is to welcome the vulnerable feeling that accompanies the activity and speak honest words from the heart after listening carefully to whatever she shares. Over time I learned to trust that woman are able to tell if the prayerful words are meaningful and it doesn’t matter to them how rough or choppy the words are expressed.
I’m still trying to get through prayers without stumbling over my words and thoughts, but I can tell you the prayers I’ve uttered have been a blessing and more importantly, heard by God. As a result, I’m convinced that tonight is a good night for praying.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
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