The Character of Forgiveness

The strength of character it takes to say and do the right thing when found in the wrong position in life is remarkable. Being able to respond out of love while being abused, rather than out of hate, demonstrates a character so rich at the person’s core that everyone can see who he truly is.

Jesus was a man of such character. His first words after being abused and hung on a cross demonstrated his heart of compassion, not hate or judgment. His words revealed what was at the core of his spirit – Forgiveness.

“Father, forgive them, for they do not know what they do.” Luke 23:34

It isn’t surprising that our heavenly Father, through Jesus, would demonstrate what resided within the core of his heart for us. Nor is it surprising that God would demonstrate it, rather than just tell us about it. After all, he is passionate about his relationship with us, which we can understand since we too take action for those who are important to us.

During this economic down turn I’ve had the opportunity to see what resided within the core of my heart. The verbal and emotional abuse I’ve received from do-gooders and those who felt superior to me was startling. It brought me to a point of decision where I could curse them or forgive them because they didn’t have a clue that their actions and comments were abusive.

I found it intriguing that the abuser was blind to certain realities and made poor decisions, while I could clearly see the abuse and held the knowledge that could help the person correct it. However, the abuser was in no position to hear any form of correction and I seemed to be in a position that required me to accept the abuse in order to receive the help.

While my position in life was degrading, I felt more sorry for the “Christian abuser” because he didn’t have a clue in how he was coming across. He was being a poor witness for Christ, while thinking hew was honoring him by “helping” me. It was a sad demonstration that made me understand why so many walk away from accepting God’s love from “Christians”.

In all its non-denominational contemporary glory, the church seems to have forgotten its sole purpose is the equipping of the saints for ministry. The church’s job is to demonstrate and train its people in how to minister to the poor, orphans and widows. And, train them in how to forgive, as we take the bumpy road together in trying to figure it all out.

My hands were being filled with food after being rejected and disrespected. The person was smiling at me and feeling really great about having helped me. With all the irony surrounding me, all I could do was think about Jesus and what he endured on the cross.

There he was hanging on a cross, forgiving his persecutors, after taking an incredible dose of whipping, ridicule, humiliation, and taunting – Not to mention spikes through his hands and feet. In that moment, Jesus demonstrated how to forgive and why to forgive.

The type of forgiveness Jesus demonstrated is a selfless act given verbally. It is not given in a halfhearted way, nor does it get couched or cloaked in a side comment. It is bold and healthy. It requires an act of the will; letting go of the right that we hold of seeing to someone’s judgment. Forgiveness becomes a plea to God on behalf of our accuser for them to not receive God’s righteous judgment due to their ignorance.

The great news is that forgiveness is powerful.  In the book of John we are told that our heavenly Father follows our demonstration of forgiveness, just as he did for Jesus. In other words, he chooses to forgive those who we forgive.

“If you forgive anyone his sins, they are forgiven; if you do not forgive them, they are not forgiven.” John 20:23

While this might cause some to feel powerful to the point of desiring to “lord it over” their peers, it is actually humbling when you hold the perspective that our guilty actions require forgiveness from someone else. All the more eye opening is Jesus’ instruction to his disciples about how to pray and the revelation that our heavenly Father responds accordingly.

For if you forgive men when they sin against you, your heavenly Father will also forgive you. But if you do not forgive men their sins, your Father will not forgive your sins. Matthew 6:14-15

I received the food with a thankful heart and asked God to forgive my benefactor for disrespecting me out of ignorance. I also prayed that our church would start training our congregation in how to share compassionate help that is not ignorantly disrespectful.

Respect is an important factor in outreach. Just because someone is going through a difficult economic time, does not mean his innate personal value has slid down with the economy. By demonstrating respect in the process of helping others, they are more likely to see Christ in us.

Besides, I’ve found that the poor many times holds a better perspective on what is important in life than the wealthy. Their insights are to be treasured over the blinded perspective that often accompanies wealth. There is a unique equality that happens when the wealthy share what they have and the poor does likewise. It helps us to obtain a balance between wisdom and our food, shelter and clothing.

Together we see the big picture and understand why Jesus, in the middle of his suffering, forgave those who persecuted him. It was a demonstration of what he held for us deep within his soul. As with all dying men, the heart reveals what’s in a man’s core during his last hour. 

Judged and Disrespected by Unspoken Expectations

There are two unmerited types of disrespect I've received lately. One typically comes from a woman who determines whether or not she will give respect based on a person's actions versus who he is, and the other comes from a man who feels inferior and attempts to knock the other guy down so he feels better about himself.

Both choices were promoted in media for the past few decades and seem to be embraced by the general public, and both can be delivered by either gender. Thankfully times have changed and many are trying to understand how to live with more healthy choices. However, after talking with several women about their penchant for withholding respect due to a single issue or a series of small issues, I've realized that there are times when I just need to walk away.

One woman, I'll call her Beth, gave me the cold shoulder numerous weeks in a row and spoke poorly about me to others. When I final convinced her to spend a few minutes with me to resolve our differences, I learned that Beth had an expectation of me that was impossible to achieve.

Beth's expectation was simple, she hoped I would arrive to an event on time and found she connected with a less promising man since I didn't enter within the first ten minutes. She held against me her choice of not waiting and held disrespect for me because of my tardiness - An expectation that I never agreed to. In fact, I didn't even know of her interest to connect with me.

It didn't matter to Beth that I'm early 98% of the time, what mattered was me not being there to stop her from picking a man she had no interest in - Not my problem. It took her weeks to be able to show me respect again and she never asked what crisis had detained me. Her perceptive was solely focused on her. And, since she judged me on expectations I never agreed to, I found it prudent to walk away from the friendship.

I make it a practice to participate in small, fellowship and men's groups. The relationships built in these environments are usually more heartfelt than in larger venues. It becomes a place of developing life long friendships with those who desire the same. Unfortunately, sometimes a person that doesn't like me is added to the mix and I receive large doses of disrespect.

One such man, I'll call him Tom, didn't like me in the least. During several conversations with him, he pointed out that I was doing nothing wrong. He didn't even realize when he would cut me down or show me disrespect, even when those around saw it clearly. Tom would share his heart and "true" intent with me often and by the next day showed me more and more disrespect.

One day Tom revealed his sincere heart and asked me to help him understand the exact moment he disrespected me. He wanted me to signal him the second it happened so he could start catching himself doing it. After too many signals in a row, he decided I was just trying to bust his chops because he "couldn't be disrespecting me that often." He became angrier at every signal, so I stopped. And yes, people came up to me asking why Tom was attacking me and what our problem was about.

The next time the group met, Tom was watching my every move looking to find fault with me. The moment he could justify any possibility of a fault, he pounced on me and attempted to make a spectacle of me in front of others. Again, people came up to me afterwards and asked what was going on with Tom and why he was being so mean.

I eventually learned that Tom had some unspoken expectations of me that I couldn't fulfill because I didn't know what he expected, nor did I agree to it. Regardless, he judged me to be guilty of not being a nice man because I didn't live up to his unrealistic expectations. To this day Tom still holds anger in his heart because I couldn't read his mind, which tipped me off to just walk away from the relationship.

Walking away from two friends who demonstrated disrespect toward me based on their unspoken expectations was a healthy choice. I've never been able to read minds and I don't like being with people who don't understand who I am. Besides, I've learned that most people who disrespect me do so out of judgment for not living up to their unspoken expectations.

No one is required to figure out what unspoken expectations they might be under. It is the duty of the person creating the expectation to reveal it to the one it is about. And, if they don't, they should understand the expectation would likely go unmet. If, however, the person shares their expectation, a healthy discussion would follow and determine if an attempt to achieve it would be promised or not.

The simple adult-to-adult conversation would create a new level of respect for both involved. Together, they would find a compromise worth supporting for the sake of both individual's needs and abilities. It would even increase the respect levels to the point where failure would not instantly create an atmosphere of disrespect. In other words, the relationship would overcome any temporary failures.

But, if the person creating unspoken expectations is not mature and permeates disrespect based on actions rather than the other's innate values, I recommend walking from the relationship to protect your own heart, perspective and ideals. After all, no one deserves to be disrespected, especially for something they are not aware of.

Focusing on the Unemployed

Yesterday at lunch I had the privilege of chatting with several people that experienced unemployment at some time over the past two years. They were all humble and very concerned. Their mutual concern was not for themselves, but for the members of our church. Not too long ago our church raised some $90K for Haiti during a time when our own people were going without food, clothing and shelter.

Before I go on, I need to clarify that our church has a food pantry, clothes closet and helps find people places to stay when needed. However, the programs are not visible to most of the church, nor do most of those attending have any clue that we have desperate and hurting people sitting next to them on a Sunday morning.

The conversation was more about our church's approach. We have always been a mission's minded church, which is a good thing, but we've fallen short many times in helping each person understand how he or she can minister directly to each other. Again, our church has no problem bringing in their nice clothes, computers, and food to share as a group, but few understand how to minister one-on-one.

I listened to a man the other day share how he couldn't make ends meet and the well meaning listener responded, "Yeah, you along with everyone else." The man was cut to the quick. He was labeled as one of many carrying the stigma of unemployment written across his forehead. He felt insignificant and disrespected.

I know what it's like to be a nobody; always the last person picked for a team. I grew up in the school system that allowed kids to point out how fat I was on a daily basis. I was ridiculed and the recipient of many jokes. Even the clothing industry took shots at me with large labels on my slacks that read "Husky" while the other kid's labels read "Slim".

Being invisible to those most important to me was even more devastating, until I learned how God viewed me. Several months later, after basking in God's perspective of me, I found myself fitting into "Slim" slacks. It was a remarkable time for me. I found someone who cared enough to help me understand I was not a label, but a unique individual.

Everything in life started to turn around. I became successful at the many things that I put my hands to do. My focus shifted to others and I saw my life improve all the more. I started to understand people and why the hurting hurt others. I realized that no matter how much I love big churches and all of their wonderful programs for the masses, it is a waste if the church doesn't focus on each individual.

No unemployed person deserves to be treated with disrespect. They are a child of the king or kings. And everyone in church deserves to learn how to minister directly to the unemployed in a way that encourages and blesses them. Unfortunately, I don't see anyone teaching others how to do it.

One woman at our table summarized the discussion and suggested that she knows the hearts of our pastors and thinks they would do everything in their power to help the unemployed, but she felt they just don't have the tools to do it. She reiterated that they were doing everything they knew how to do.

My suggestion, although a little unorthodox, is to invite an unemployed person to preach about tithing. Make sure the person can hear from God and is a great speaker, but then open the podium for a time of deep heartfelt truth about tithing and what God can do with it.

The person ministering to the congregation could also share true-life accounts of what works and doesn't work when a person finds him or herself speaking one-on-one with an unemployed person. Can you imagine the startling revelation that would come upon the congregation?

Think about it. Most of the time we hear a well-dressed professional and successful person share about tithing. We feel that they are a little out of touch with reality, so we don't take their message to heart. Combined with the state of the economy, we find less people tithing than ever before.

Now, place a dynamic person who has intrinsic value from God onto the platform and let them talk about their recent financial demise, and you'll have people hanging onto his every word. Hearts will be stirred and giving will be up. The key is to funnel some of the extra monies into training church members on how to minister and help the unemployed on a one-on-one basis.

Everyone wants to see directly related results from their giving in this day and age. They want to know that their donation made a difference. They want to hear the pastor read a thank you note from a few unemployed who got back on their feet as a result of one-on-one generosity. They want to know they made a difference.

If you're interested in having an unemployed person speak on tithing at your church, I have just the person in mind. Otherwise, pray that your church focuses on some specific individuals to help them get back on their feet. And who knows, maybe the next person helped will find a six-figure salary and choose to tithe regularly, facilitating more one-on-one ministry to the hurting.