The sitting area at the Department of Human Services (DHS) was packed with people waiting to receive food stamps. The faces showed little life, as most were overwhelmed by their dire situations. A sense of emptiness filled the room with a few exceptions – the ones who had just submitted their request forms for the first time.
I looked into one man’s eyes and saw a sadness that is only embraced by those who no longer see any value in themselves. He was down on his luck for sometime and had no hope whatsoever. A couple was anxious to receive their allotment, so they could stop by the store on the way home to feed their kids for the first time since last week.
One man was trying to get sober enough to request provisions for another drink. A woman off in the corner cried and cried, not being able to understand how she ended up with nothing after the divorce. A little girl with her belly extended from hunger kept asking her grandmother when they would be able to eat again.
If only I had money with me, I would have responded. I was not in any position to help the crowd of forty some people that were crammed into the small waiting area. The only thing I could give them was hope, but they were weary of my presence because of the clean shirt I wore. I stood out like a sore thumb.
I blessed those who I could bless and prayed silently for others. My heart felt wrenched from the surrounding misery, filth and stench. My mind couldn’t comprehend all that I saw in the second wealthiest county in the United States – the clear representation of abject poverty.
Tears flowed from my eyes when I got home. The sights and experiences of the morning had emotionally devastated me. And what of me, would I sell all I had and give it to the poor?
I remembered a wealthy friend from years ago who visited squalor homes and helped erect tin roofs over cardboard walls in Mexico. He was so moved that he wanted to give everything he had, if it weren’t for his responsibilities to his family, associates and local church. He had to remind himself that the poor would always be among us.
My heart would never be the same after my visit to the DHS facility. I thanked God that my value was in Him and not in my work, which can so easily disappear in this day and age. I was so thankful that God’s word brings hope, the one ingredient that most were missing.
Hopelessness is worse than hardship because it represents the poverty of the soul. How rich I am to find solace in Christ and joy in knowing that God is looking out for me during my desperate days. I have hope and will therefore survive, but for the hopeless, they rely on us taking the initiative to speak hope into their lives. For to whom much is given, much is required.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
Monday, October 19, 2009
Preparing for the Holidays
The air is charged with emotional expectations from Thanksgiving through the Super Bowl. It is a time of year when most men want to let go and relax, but they find themselves walking on eggshells, trying to avoid disappointing a family member’s unexpressed and emotionally based expectation. It becomes a no win scenario that men are confident they will lose.
Last weekend I had the fortunate opportunity to have my entire adult family back in the area for what I’ll call a pre-holiday dinner. The evening was charged with emotions as everyone had an expectation of how the night should go or probably would go. Each person brought their unspoken fears and hopes into the dinning room, filing it with an uneasiness or tension.
The moment I made a comment that could be taken as a cut or ambiguous at best, a person who always desires the best from others, jumped on me with words that felt condemning – the same type of judgment that she hoped would not be present so everyone could feel loved and accepted.
The words I spoke could be taken one of three ways: positively; negatively; or, in jest (positive with a negative lining). The person who needed everything to go right or perfect, saw it negatively. Then again with emotions peaked for the evening, I’m confident all saw it negatively and wouldn’t even be able to fathom how it could be taken any other way. The tension brought into the event colored the way everyone perceived things.
The wrong words coming out of my mouth helped me to realize that everyone had a choice to make in how they handled my poorly stated comment; with grace or disdain. I too had a choice to emotionally check out or stay in the game. Since I don’t like the outcome when my friends mentally or emotionally check out during their family events, I choose to stay involved even though I might be the recipient of more emotional hits.
While some might wonder if I’m a masochist, let me clarify that by staying emotionally and mentally present, I have a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate grace in how I receive those emotional hits. It gives my family an opportunity to see grace in action. Although, some would argue that they will only remember my offense and not how I handled the embracing verbal correction in front of everyone.
Men need respect and the surest way to hurt a man through disrespect during a family event is to ask him a “why” question about his behavior in front of others, tearing down the relationship. Unfortunately, in family events that are filled with tension, most people jump on the first person to say or do anything wrong, charging the air with even more tension and dread – Except for the relief felt knowing that someone else became the target for the evening.
When grace is present at family functions, inappropriate comments are overlooked, allowing the person to relax and make less tension based mistakes. If a person persists in poor behavior, a gracious person takes them to the side and asks them a “what” question to understand the emotional pain or mental anguish they might be facing that triggered such behavior. This opens the door for intimacy and allows the gracious person to pray for them and show them acceptance – It strengthens the relationship.
I know in advance which parties with family or friends will be volatile and which ones will be filled with grace. I’m also confident that I will be cut down at least once during the volatile event and should therefore be prepared not to get angry or withdraw. I sometimes wonder if I subconsciously make the first foolish comment to draw the attacks away from everyone else for the evening, discharging the tension so all can relax and have fun. Then again, my recent lay-off probably had more to do with last weekend’s blunder than anything else – Never under estimate the power of insecurity in someone else’s life.
I also know what parties will welcome me and I will go with a happy heart, knowing that I will receive an abundance of grace and love in those households. While some would suggest that I only go to the parties where I receive acceptance, I will continue to attend all parties filled with people I love. I’ll just give myself permission to come late and leave early in order to reduce the amount of emotional hits I have to shield my heart from.
There is nothing more freeing than making a decision in advance of the event about the length of time I will participate in and the emotional responses I’ll allow myself to share with others. My life experience has proven that what I think leads to what I feel, which leads to how I act. By pre-determining my thoughts about the upcoming event, prepares me to respond appropriately when things get out of hand. I have a friend that takes it a step further and actually works out a script of what will be said in order to preclude a lot of negative emotions and battles.
So this holiday season I will focus on demonstrating grace to everyone and limit the amount of emotional hits I’ll receive before leaving the difficult parties. And who knows, maybe if others are also practicing grace, we will soon see more emotionally friendly parties than tension filled ones.
Last weekend I had the fortunate opportunity to have my entire adult family back in the area for what I’ll call a pre-holiday dinner. The evening was charged with emotions as everyone had an expectation of how the night should go or probably would go. Each person brought their unspoken fears and hopes into the dinning room, filing it with an uneasiness or tension.
The moment I made a comment that could be taken as a cut or ambiguous at best, a person who always desires the best from others, jumped on me with words that felt condemning – the same type of judgment that she hoped would not be present so everyone could feel loved and accepted.
The words I spoke could be taken one of three ways: positively; negatively; or, in jest (positive with a negative lining). The person who needed everything to go right or perfect, saw it negatively. Then again with emotions peaked for the evening, I’m confident all saw it negatively and wouldn’t even be able to fathom how it could be taken any other way. The tension brought into the event colored the way everyone perceived things.
The wrong words coming out of my mouth helped me to realize that everyone had a choice to make in how they handled my poorly stated comment; with grace or disdain. I too had a choice to emotionally check out or stay in the game. Since I don’t like the outcome when my friends mentally or emotionally check out during their family events, I choose to stay involved even though I might be the recipient of more emotional hits.
While some might wonder if I’m a masochist, let me clarify that by staying emotionally and mentally present, I have a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate grace in how I receive those emotional hits. It gives my family an opportunity to see grace in action. Although, some would argue that they will only remember my offense and not how I handled the embracing verbal correction in front of everyone.
Men need respect and the surest way to hurt a man through disrespect during a family event is to ask him a “why” question about his behavior in front of others, tearing down the relationship. Unfortunately, in family events that are filled with tension, most people jump on the first person to say or do anything wrong, charging the air with even more tension and dread – Except for the relief felt knowing that someone else became the target for the evening.
When grace is present at family functions, inappropriate comments are overlooked, allowing the person to relax and make less tension based mistakes. If a person persists in poor behavior, a gracious person takes them to the side and asks them a “what” question to understand the emotional pain or mental anguish they might be facing that triggered such behavior. This opens the door for intimacy and allows the gracious person to pray for them and show them acceptance – It strengthens the relationship.
I know in advance which parties with family or friends will be volatile and which ones will be filled with grace. I’m also confident that I will be cut down at least once during the volatile event and should therefore be prepared not to get angry or withdraw. I sometimes wonder if I subconsciously make the first foolish comment to draw the attacks away from everyone else for the evening, discharging the tension so all can relax and have fun. Then again, my recent lay-off probably had more to do with last weekend’s blunder than anything else – Never under estimate the power of insecurity in someone else’s life.
I also know what parties will welcome me and I will go with a happy heart, knowing that I will receive an abundance of grace and love in those households. While some would suggest that I only go to the parties where I receive acceptance, I will continue to attend all parties filled with people I love. I’ll just give myself permission to come late and leave early in order to reduce the amount of emotional hits I have to shield my heart from.
There is nothing more freeing than making a decision in advance of the event about the length of time I will participate in and the emotional responses I’ll allow myself to share with others. My life experience has proven that what I think leads to what I feel, which leads to how I act. By pre-determining my thoughts about the upcoming event, prepares me to respond appropriately when things get out of hand. I have a friend that takes it a step further and actually works out a script of what will be said in order to preclude a lot of negative emotions and battles.
So this holiday season I will focus on demonstrating grace to everyone and limit the amount of emotional hits I’ll receive before leaving the difficult parties. And who knows, maybe if others are also practicing grace, we will soon see more emotionally friendly parties than tension filled ones.
Friday, October 9, 2009
God Walks With Us Through Conflict
AuthenticTeens.com is one of my favorite sites. While it is designed to encourage teens to live authentic lives, I can’t help but appreciate the sentiment that authenticity is needed among all Christians. Being “real” as my generation used to say is desperately needed. We live in a society filled with real struggles. So real that some suffering Christians question whether or not they really know God as a result of their plight. It makes me wonder if we’ve lost track that our God walks through the valley of the shadow of death with us.
The pretentious sugar coated god that some still preach is obsolete. The lack of relevance living a false “mama’s boy” life is numbing. It’s time for men to step up and be a strong standard for those around him, while suffering through his own struggles. Being a man of God today suggests we admit our faults and continue to share Christ’s love in spite of ourselves. After all, we know the story of the two fish and five loaves used to feed the 5,000. It gives me confidence that God can use the little amount of godliness in my life to help someone else.
Life has become gritty and many Christians are putting forth a lot of energy trying to maintain a gritless life. They bend over backwards trying to keep their pretense or facade in place, hoping to attract non-believers to a rosy gospel. Unfortunately, those who are hurting economically and by the hand of dysfunctional families need a savior who isn’t afraid of getting his white robe dirty.
Conflict is all around us and we can no longer pretend it doesn’t affect Christians – It does.
The Bible tells us that it rains on the just and the unjust. And today, I’d say the rain is saturated with pollutants. I can’t turn on the television without seeing something the Bible tells me not to dwell on. The availability of trash is rampant on the web. Worse yet, is the apathy among churches to engage society with a relevant gospel in a meaningful way – Most are too busy maintaining status quo of a cheery Christianized disposition.
Let’s just admit that we Christians still need grace.
I sin all too often, but I no longer allow it to slow me down from sharing Christ’s love with those who need it. One of my greatest sins, if I dare measure it, is not being honest enough to allow others to see me for who I am including my faults. How refreshing it was to share in last Sunday’s class a struggle I’ve faced several times in my life. Not only did confessing my struggle to the class help me live a transparent life, but it allowed the adults taking the class to get a real example of how God can meet them in the middle of their struggles as well.
The thing I appreciate the most about the class I lead, is that we make the room a safe place for sharing our personal struggles. Whatever is said in the class stays in the classroom. Out of respect for all participants, everyone honors that code. And what a freeing experience to be able to share openly without receiving any judgment, which speaks volumes of a modern day miracle.
Unfortunately, many churches prefer to not offer classes that deal with conflict or negative issues. They prefer to put on popular classes that attract those who are looking for some form of positive spiritual entertainment that doesn’t require difficult heart work. Not everyone is interested in really knowing the one true, authentic and living God when they find themselves steeped in negative issues. Some would rather pretend that all is well.
It is my supposition that churches didn’t choose to end up in this scenario, but focused on having God’s peace as confirmation of His touch in their lives. Some eventually skewed the perspective and avoided all forms of conflict to prove their walk with Him, rather than walking through the conflict with Him. It is possible that their views shifted to believe that they were walking according to Christ by being free of conflict rather than being peaceful through conflict.
Jesus faced a huge amount of conflict and shared with us about the peace that passes all understanding. It’s the type of peace that can rest in your life in the middle of unemployment. The kind of peace that can get you through family conflicts that rarely resolve. It is the incomprehensible peace that meets you in the shadows of loneliness and despair. It is a peace that proves our God reigns today, regardless of what we face.
There is an authentic God and He is with us in our authentic lives. Unfortunately, He finds little room for himself in the lives of those putting on pretense or taking away the safety of sharing our lives with each other. As for me, I will serve the God of peace that resides in the middle of my confusion, agitation or aggravated experiences. He is a big God and He can handle my messes and pour out His grace to me because of who He is, not who I am.
Now tell me, who during these difficult economic times would walk away from getting to know such a God?
The pretentious sugar coated god that some still preach is obsolete. The lack of relevance living a false “mama’s boy” life is numbing. It’s time for men to step up and be a strong standard for those around him, while suffering through his own struggles. Being a man of God today suggests we admit our faults and continue to share Christ’s love in spite of ourselves. After all, we know the story of the two fish and five loaves used to feed the 5,000. It gives me confidence that God can use the little amount of godliness in my life to help someone else.
Life has become gritty and many Christians are putting forth a lot of energy trying to maintain a gritless life. They bend over backwards trying to keep their pretense or facade in place, hoping to attract non-believers to a rosy gospel. Unfortunately, those who are hurting economically and by the hand of dysfunctional families need a savior who isn’t afraid of getting his white robe dirty.
Conflict is all around us and we can no longer pretend it doesn’t affect Christians – It does.
The Bible tells us that it rains on the just and the unjust. And today, I’d say the rain is saturated with pollutants. I can’t turn on the television without seeing something the Bible tells me not to dwell on. The availability of trash is rampant on the web. Worse yet, is the apathy among churches to engage society with a relevant gospel in a meaningful way – Most are too busy maintaining status quo of a cheery Christianized disposition.
Let’s just admit that we Christians still need grace.
I sin all too often, but I no longer allow it to slow me down from sharing Christ’s love with those who need it. One of my greatest sins, if I dare measure it, is not being honest enough to allow others to see me for who I am including my faults. How refreshing it was to share in last Sunday’s class a struggle I’ve faced several times in my life. Not only did confessing my struggle to the class help me live a transparent life, but it allowed the adults taking the class to get a real example of how God can meet them in the middle of their struggles as well.
The thing I appreciate the most about the class I lead, is that we make the room a safe place for sharing our personal struggles. Whatever is said in the class stays in the classroom. Out of respect for all participants, everyone honors that code. And what a freeing experience to be able to share openly without receiving any judgment, which speaks volumes of a modern day miracle.
Unfortunately, many churches prefer to not offer classes that deal with conflict or negative issues. They prefer to put on popular classes that attract those who are looking for some form of positive spiritual entertainment that doesn’t require difficult heart work. Not everyone is interested in really knowing the one true, authentic and living God when they find themselves steeped in negative issues. Some would rather pretend that all is well.
It is my supposition that churches didn’t choose to end up in this scenario, but focused on having God’s peace as confirmation of His touch in their lives. Some eventually skewed the perspective and avoided all forms of conflict to prove their walk with Him, rather than walking through the conflict with Him. It is possible that their views shifted to believe that they were walking according to Christ by being free of conflict rather than being peaceful through conflict.
Jesus faced a huge amount of conflict and shared with us about the peace that passes all understanding. It’s the type of peace that can rest in your life in the middle of unemployment. The kind of peace that can get you through family conflicts that rarely resolve. It is the incomprehensible peace that meets you in the shadows of loneliness and despair. It is a peace that proves our God reigns today, regardless of what we face.
There is an authentic God and He is with us in our authentic lives. Unfortunately, He finds little room for himself in the lives of those putting on pretense or taking away the safety of sharing our lives with each other. As for me, I will serve the God of peace that resides in the middle of my confusion, agitation or aggravated experiences. He is a big God and He can handle my messes and pour out His grace to me because of who He is, not who I am.
Now tell me, who during these difficult economic times would walk away from getting to know such a God?
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
A Waterfall of Demonstration Kills Empty Expectations
The other day one of my female friends was wondering why few people showed up to the church missionary dessert event. I shared how one person told me they weren’t going because it had the same speaker from the previous two events, the same choir, the same band and the same plea for donations. And since he had already pledged his support, he saw no reason to attend.
My friend got a little ruffled and she shared that we are to go, not because of what we get out of it, but what we can put into it. As I reflected on her words, I realized that she was missing one interesting fact; no one had ever taught or demonstrated to the man how a Christian is to support church events. He had no clue.
The discipline of tithing popped into my mind and it dawned on me that I could count on one hand the number of times it was taught from the pulpit over the past dozen years. I couldn’t help but wonder how all the new Christians attending our church were going to learn how to tithe and the incredible blessings that come into our lives as a result.
A few weeks ago I bumped into a group of women chatting in the hallway of our church. They were complaining about how many of them are ready to mentor younger women, but few of the younger generation are interested. Their conversation quickly turned toward the downward trend of younger women not knowing how to be a blessing to God and their church.
With all the churches I’ve visited in my travels, the expectations of some church leaders amaze me. Some expect the body to tithe, but they won’t teach on a somewhat regular basis the blessings that come from it. Others have wisdom to share and wonder why no one is seeking them out. What happened to mentoring and demonstrating? Have we forgotten that new Christians don’t have a clue?
When I first became a believer at age 12, I was blessed to have a pastor spend some one-on-one time with me. He showed me how to lay hands on the sick with compassion and pray for them. He walked me through how to listen to the Spirit and know His voice. He stepped me through every aspect of tithing and the giving of offerings – how to give according to the Spirit, not the emotions driven by elitism or guilt.
The church I attend today is too large for the head pastor to spend quality time with everyone. In fact, our church is so large that most wouldn’t expect our pastor to know them by name. However, our head pastor can guide our team of some 20+ pastors, who can each guide their key people or lead volunteers, who could guide those under them, and so on. By using the waterfall principle, our pastor has the ability to demonstrate down through the ranks everything we need to know for righteous living.
Once the demonstration is passed down to the men in the church, they in turn can pass it down to their kids, who can share it with the neighbor kids, and so on. What an incredible and powerful tool our pastor has in place.
Can you imagine the confidence men would have in the church if a pastor decided to demonstrate from the platform how to pray for a wife? And then, demonstrate it again for the other pastors, who would demonstrate it to their lead volunteers, who would demonstrate it to their ministry teams or small groups, who would then demonstrate it to their families. Within a matter of months, the men in our church would be comfortable and knowledgeable about how to pray for their wives.
The married women I know would be ecstatic. They would turn around and tell all their friends in the community what their church was teaching and how their husbands are blessing them. I’m confident the joy of those women would be so high; they would forget about the affects the economy had on their lives and they would be inviting neighbors to church regularly.
Everyone directly impacts about 200 people each year, but most don’t take advantage of passing on any enlightenment. If they wait on the sidelines for their pastor to teach them how and what to pass on, they may never do it. So, since Jesus called us directly to fulfill the great commission and to love one another as He loves us, I suggest that married men dive in and begin praying for their wife today. And, single men can start praying for their future wife, as women love to hear how they were thought about and prayed for, before ever meeting.
Not all pastors will have the same structure in place and not all pastors would be willing to use such a powerful tool regularly for fear of someone changing the message to something unhealthy in the process. But, we are all individually responsible before God to seek what we need to learn and to pass it along to others – Together we might live kingdom principle filled lives as a witness to the world.
As for me, I love having a mentor in my life and I always make myself available to mentor others when I can. I’m a firm believer in demonstrating biblical applications within our lives that help us to live according to God’s kingdom-lifestyle. So I’m dropping all empty expectations I have for others and I will implement a waterfall affect of demonstrating what I’ve learned to those around me, in person or electronically.
My friend got a little ruffled and she shared that we are to go, not because of what we get out of it, but what we can put into it. As I reflected on her words, I realized that she was missing one interesting fact; no one had ever taught or demonstrated to the man how a Christian is to support church events. He had no clue.
The discipline of tithing popped into my mind and it dawned on me that I could count on one hand the number of times it was taught from the pulpit over the past dozen years. I couldn’t help but wonder how all the new Christians attending our church were going to learn how to tithe and the incredible blessings that come into our lives as a result.
A few weeks ago I bumped into a group of women chatting in the hallway of our church. They were complaining about how many of them are ready to mentor younger women, but few of the younger generation are interested. Their conversation quickly turned toward the downward trend of younger women not knowing how to be a blessing to God and their church.
With all the churches I’ve visited in my travels, the expectations of some church leaders amaze me. Some expect the body to tithe, but they won’t teach on a somewhat regular basis the blessings that come from it. Others have wisdom to share and wonder why no one is seeking them out. What happened to mentoring and demonstrating? Have we forgotten that new Christians don’t have a clue?
When I first became a believer at age 12, I was blessed to have a pastor spend some one-on-one time with me. He showed me how to lay hands on the sick with compassion and pray for them. He walked me through how to listen to the Spirit and know His voice. He stepped me through every aspect of tithing and the giving of offerings – how to give according to the Spirit, not the emotions driven by elitism or guilt.
The church I attend today is too large for the head pastor to spend quality time with everyone. In fact, our church is so large that most wouldn’t expect our pastor to know them by name. However, our head pastor can guide our team of some 20+ pastors, who can each guide their key people or lead volunteers, who could guide those under them, and so on. By using the waterfall principle, our pastor has the ability to demonstrate down through the ranks everything we need to know for righteous living.
Once the demonstration is passed down to the men in the church, they in turn can pass it down to their kids, who can share it with the neighbor kids, and so on. What an incredible and powerful tool our pastor has in place.
Can you imagine the confidence men would have in the church if a pastor decided to demonstrate from the platform how to pray for a wife? And then, demonstrate it again for the other pastors, who would demonstrate it to their lead volunteers, who would demonstrate it to their ministry teams or small groups, who would then demonstrate it to their families. Within a matter of months, the men in our church would be comfortable and knowledgeable about how to pray for their wives.
The married women I know would be ecstatic. They would turn around and tell all their friends in the community what their church was teaching and how their husbands are blessing them. I’m confident the joy of those women would be so high; they would forget about the affects the economy had on their lives and they would be inviting neighbors to church regularly.
Everyone directly impacts about 200 people each year, but most don’t take advantage of passing on any enlightenment. If they wait on the sidelines for their pastor to teach them how and what to pass on, they may never do it. So, since Jesus called us directly to fulfill the great commission and to love one another as He loves us, I suggest that married men dive in and begin praying for their wife today. And, single men can start praying for their future wife, as women love to hear how they were thought about and prayed for, before ever meeting.
Not all pastors will have the same structure in place and not all pastors would be willing to use such a powerful tool regularly for fear of someone changing the message to something unhealthy in the process. But, we are all individually responsible before God to seek what we need to learn and to pass it along to others – Together we might live kingdom principle filled lives as a witness to the world.
As for me, I love having a mentor in my life and I always make myself available to mentor others when I can. I’m a firm believer in demonstrating biblical applications within our lives that help us to live according to God’s kingdom-lifestyle. So I’m dropping all empty expectations I have for others and I will implement a waterfall affect of demonstrating what I’ve learned to those around me, in person or electronically.
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