Mother or Lover

Two men approached me about their wives’ behavior. The one man was convinced he was married to a mother, while the other enjoyed the gratification of interacting with his lover. The first man wanted to know how he could get his wife to become a lover and the second man wanted to know what he could do to keep his wife as a lover, especially since many said it wouldn’t last. While I’m not a counselor or psychiatrist, here is what I learned from 23 years of marriage.

Woman who act like a mother repel the men in their life, causing them to look elsewhere for satisfaction, while lovers take extra care in finding ways to draw their man in. If you find your wife acting like a mother, it may come across in several ways including talking down to you, picking up after you, making sure you are dressed right for an event, etc. If she is acting like a lover she may be extolling who you are in Christ, cherishing your character with words of affirmation to you or her friends, or even writing you special notes or performing little acts of service to please you.

If your wife is acting like a lover it’s due to the perspective she holds of you in her heart and mind. There is little you can do instantly in hopes of continuing the process, but there is a lot you can do over the balance of time. All of which requires a certain level of focus on her. We men know how to focus on tasks, but some struggle to focus on spending significant couch time or taking long walks.

Doing special little things around the house can touch a wife’s heart. Or, affirming her in who she is, especially when we don’t agree with her decision. Affirmation does not mean agreement and can do wonders for validating her importance in your life. One of the most touching things is writing a personal note that reflects the depths of your heart. The wording doesn’t have to be exact or even beautiful, as long as what you write comes directly from your heart and not some greeting card you plagiarized. She’ll know the difference.

If your wife is acting like a mother, I found it was either because I was acting like a child or she was afraid to be a vulnerable lover. In either case I had to step up and take responsibility to guide the change within me in order to watch a change develop over time in her. Please notice that I never said anything about me changing her – It won’t work.

I was the one that needed to change. There were things I needed to take responsibility for, which sub sequentially put me back in charge. Most women feel it is important for certain things to get done and if the man isn’t going to do it, she will. Unfortunately, she will also shift into the mother role to take care of those who are not responsible within the household. It appears to be a natural instinct bread deep within every woman.

I found that the only way to guarantee that I was living with a lover instead of a mother was by focusing my heart on her, affirming who she was and taking responsibility for the things around the house we jointly decided I was to manage. The result was simple: I found my wife being thankful for who I was instead of constantly praying that I would become something better.