There are two unmerited types of disrespect I've received lately. One typically comes from a woman who determines whether or not she will give respect based on a person's actions versus who he is, and the other comes from a man who feels inferior and attempts to knock the other guy down so he feels better about himself.
Both choices were promoted in media for the past few decades and seem to be embraced by the general public, and both can be delivered by either gender. Thankfully times have changed and many are trying to understand how to live with more healthy choices. However, after talking with several women about their penchant for withholding respect due to a single issue or a series of small issues, I've realized that there are times when I just need to walk away.
One woman, I'll call her Beth, gave me the cold shoulder numerous weeks in a row and spoke poorly about me to others. When I final convinced her to spend a few minutes with me to resolve our differences, I learned that Beth had an expectation of me that was impossible to achieve.
Beth's expectation was simple, she hoped I would arrive to an event on time and found she connected with a less promising man since I didn't enter within the first ten minutes. She held against me her choice of not waiting and held disrespect for me because of my tardiness - An expectation that I never agreed to. In fact, I didn't even know of her interest to connect with me.
It didn't matter to Beth that I'm early 98% of the time, what mattered was me not being there to stop her from picking a man she had no interest in - Not my problem. It took her weeks to be able to show me respect again and she never asked what crisis had detained me. Her perceptive was solely focused on her. And, since she judged me on expectations I never agreed to, I found it prudent to walk away from the friendship.
I make it a practice to participate in small, fellowship and men's groups. The relationships built in these environments are usually more heartfelt than in larger venues. It becomes a place of developing life long friendships with those who desire the same. Unfortunately, sometimes a person that doesn't like me is added to the mix and I receive large doses of disrespect.
One such man, I'll call him Tom, didn't like me in the least. During several conversations with him, he pointed out that I was doing nothing wrong. He didn't even realize when he would cut me down or show me disrespect, even when those around saw it clearly. Tom would share his heart and "true" intent with me often and by the next day showed me more and more disrespect.
One day Tom revealed his sincere heart and asked me to help him understand the exact moment he disrespected me. He wanted me to signal him the second it happened so he could start catching himself doing it. After too many signals in a row, he decided I was just trying to bust his chops because he "couldn't be disrespecting me that often." He became angrier at every signal, so I stopped. And yes, people came up to me asking why Tom was attacking me and what our problem was about.
The next time the group met, Tom was watching my every move looking to find fault with me. The moment he could justify any possibility of a fault, he pounced on me and attempted to make a spectacle of me in front of others. Again, people came up to me afterwards and asked what was going on with Tom and why he was being so mean.
I eventually learned that Tom had some unspoken expectations of me that I couldn't fulfill because I didn't know what he expected, nor did I agree to it. Regardless, he judged me to be guilty of not being a nice man because I didn't live up to his unrealistic expectations. To this day Tom still holds anger in his heart because I couldn't read his mind, which tipped me off to just walk away from the relationship.
Walking away from two friends who demonstrated disrespect toward me based on their unspoken expectations was a healthy choice. I've never been able to read minds and I don't like being with people who don't understand who I am. Besides, I've learned that most people who disrespect me do so out of judgment for not living up to their unspoken expectations.
No one is required to figure out what unspoken expectations they might be under. It is the duty of the person creating the expectation to reveal it to the one it is about. And, if they don't, they should understand the expectation would likely go unmet. If, however, the person shares their expectation, a healthy discussion would follow and determine if an attempt to achieve it would be promised or not.
The simple adult-to-adult conversation would create a new level of respect for both involved. Together, they would find a compromise worth supporting for the sake of both individual's needs and abilities. It would even increase the respect levels to the point where failure would not instantly create an atmosphere of disrespect. In other words, the relationship would overcome any temporary failures.
But, if the person creating unspoken expectations is not mature and permeates disrespect based on actions rather than the other's innate values, I recommend walking from the relationship to protect your own heart, perspective and ideals. After all, no one deserves to be disrespected, especially for something they are not aware of.
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