The air is charged with emotional expectations from Thanksgiving through the Super Bowl. It is a time of year when most men want to let go and relax, but they find themselves walking on eggshells, trying to avoid disappointing a family member’s unexpressed and emotionally based expectation. It becomes a no win scenario that men are confident they will lose.
Last weekend I had the fortunate opportunity to have my entire adult family back in the area for what I’ll call a pre-holiday dinner. The evening was charged with emotions as everyone had an expectation of how the night should go or probably would go. Each person brought their unspoken fears and hopes into the dinning room, filing it with an uneasiness or tension.
The moment I made a comment that could be taken as a cut or ambiguous at best, a person who always desires the best from others, jumped on me with words that felt condemning – the same type of judgment that she hoped would not be present so everyone could feel loved and accepted.
The words I spoke could be taken one of three ways: positively; negatively; or, in jest (positive with a negative lining). The person who needed everything to go right or perfect, saw it negatively. Then again with emotions peaked for the evening, I’m confident all saw it negatively and wouldn’t even be able to fathom how it could be taken any other way. The tension brought into the event colored the way everyone perceived things.
The wrong words coming out of my mouth helped me to realize that everyone had a choice to make in how they handled my poorly stated comment; with grace or disdain. I too had a choice to emotionally check out or stay in the game. Since I don’t like the outcome when my friends mentally or emotionally check out during their family events, I choose to stay involved even though I might be the recipient of more emotional hits.
While some might wonder if I’m a masochist, let me clarify that by staying emotionally and mentally present, I have a wonderful opportunity to demonstrate grace in how I receive those emotional hits. It gives my family an opportunity to see grace in action. Although, some would argue that they will only remember my offense and not how I handled the embracing verbal correction in front of everyone.
Men need respect and the surest way to hurt a man through disrespect during a family event is to ask him a “why” question about his behavior in front of others, tearing down the relationship. Unfortunately, in family events that are filled with tension, most people jump on the first person to say or do anything wrong, charging the air with even more tension and dread – Except for the relief felt knowing that someone else became the target for the evening.
When grace is present at family functions, inappropriate comments are overlooked, allowing the person to relax and make less tension based mistakes. If a person persists in poor behavior, a gracious person takes them to the side and asks them a “what” question to understand the emotional pain or mental anguish they might be facing that triggered such behavior. This opens the door for intimacy and allows the gracious person to pray for them and show them acceptance – It strengthens the relationship.
I know in advance which parties with family or friends will be volatile and which ones will be filled with grace. I’m also confident that I will be cut down at least once during the volatile event and should therefore be prepared not to get angry or withdraw. I sometimes wonder if I subconsciously make the first foolish comment to draw the attacks away from everyone else for the evening, discharging the tension so all can relax and have fun. Then again, my recent lay-off probably had more to do with last weekend’s blunder than anything else – Never under estimate the power of insecurity in someone else’s life.
I also know what parties will welcome me and I will go with a happy heart, knowing that I will receive an abundance of grace and love in those households. While some would suggest that I only go to the parties where I receive acceptance, I will continue to attend all parties filled with people I love. I’ll just give myself permission to come late and leave early in order to reduce the amount of emotional hits I have to shield my heart from.
There is nothing more freeing than making a decision in advance of the event about the length of time I will participate in and the emotional responses I’ll allow myself to share with others. My life experience has proven that what I think leads to what I feel, which leads to how I act. By pre-determining my thoughts about the upcoming event, prepares me to respond appropriately when things get out of hand. I have a friend that takes it a step further and actually works out a script of what will be said in order to preclude a lot of negative emotions and battles.
So this holiday season I will focus on demonstrating grace to everyone and limit the amount of emotional hits I’ll receive before leaving the difficult parties. And who knows, maybe if others are also practicing grace, we will soon see more emotionally friendly parties than tension filled ones.
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